The Real Me Post Numero Uno

Ok this is going to be a very honest post....it's time I started owning up to things, admitting that all is not right in my world. Too often lately have I found myself out with a friend or in a group just talking and feel myself stepping back, feeling like I don't fit, like I don't deserve to be part of what is happening - this I solely put down to my weight, body image, body confidence or lack of it and self esteem issues.

So it's time to do something about it!! It's time to find the "Real Me" again!

First step, talking about how and what I'm feeling, putting it out there, means others will read it and I will have to admit to what I'm feeling and experiencing, rather than sweeping it under the carpet along with all my other emotional garbage thats already there! lol

Ok so the other day, I went out with a mate. She has a daughter and we went to the shops. Now this mate is similar to me in size, maybe a bit smaller big difference is, she is brimming with that little thing called body confidence and self esteem, she has always been this way and its always been something I've envied. She has the child I crave, the close knit family I desire and the dependable friends that I definitely don't have. Whenever I come away from outings with her, I suffer a case of "life envy"...but the funny thing is and this is where it gets confusing, there are more parts of her life that I DON'T envy than I do. I think I finally worked out the other day, that if I just had her body confidence and self confidence, the rest I could do myself.

Now to give you an idea of why I'm on the hunt to find the "Real Me", I shall give you a scenario and give you what the "Current Me" would do in that situation and what the "Real Me" would do.

The Scenario:
At a mates party, with her family and friends.

The Current Me:
I will arrive first, so I don't have to make an "entrance", I will find people I know and blend into their conversation or I will just stick with my mate, her being the hostess and help her out. I will avoid anyone who makes me feel uncomfortable eg her sister in law to be in this instance, I will feel self conscious as if everyone is looking at me and passing judgement. I won't eat much, afraid people will be looking and thinking "as if she needs to eat more" and I will 9 times out of 10 leave either first or within the first 5 to go.

The Real Me:
I will arrive first to make sure I don't miss any fun. I will drift from group to group catching up with people and having a laugh in general, doing stupid things to make others laugh. I will not give a flying Fvck about what others think of me and be more interested in having a good time. I will usually be one of the last to leave or crash the night there.

Spot the difference?

And so my friends, the quest starts here....I believe the real me is out there and will be found again...the next step is the weight and to lose it, to become that stunner again that turns heads in the street!

So the journey begins.....