Ask Sam from SMH

This week's video is in response to reader G-Gal's question:

"Dear Ask Sam,

"I have been going out with my bf for almost a year, we are a lovely affectionate couple and are constantly cuddling, kissing, playing etc..

"The problem is our sex life has kind of dwindled in the last 6 months through a combination of travel, illness, stress. We spend 24/7 together and though we have not officially moved in together, we are together all the time.

"The sex has been good, but he has had a problem 'getting it up' sometimes and the stress in our lives from a variety of factors ain't helping.

"I am in my 30s, my sexual peak, and want and enjoy sex now more than ever. We have spoken about this before and he doesn't seem to think it is an issue. I don't know what else to do without seeming like a sex-crazed girlfriend - I am out of ideas... please help!

"Signed, G-Gal."

It seems she's not alone. Lately I've noticed a plethora of similar comments from people of all ages and sexes complaining about mismatched libidos. Some say their partners are too demanding, others say their partners aren't giving enough, and most are confused as to how many times is normal anyway ...

I can understand G-Girl's frustration. A friend of mine is in a similar sexless position, and finds it extremely tough and embarrassing to confront her boyfriend with the situation.

"What if he's just not that into me?" she continually asks. "What if we're not meant to be together? Surely if our libidos are this mismatched, then we're not right for each other?"

Well, no. According to research, 90 per cent of couples experience mismatched libidos at some point in their relationship, while 60 per cent of women are dissatisfied with their sex lives because the fact is they're unable to have an orgasm!

I can see why neither women wants to talk about it either. Lately it does seem that if one wants more sex than one's partner's willing to put out, then one could be suffering from severe sex addiction.

That's right folks. If Sienna Miller's crude observations are anything to go by, the fact that she noted she was constantly "too tired" at night to please Jude Law didn't matter. Because he asked for it, she told the entire world that he had a troublesome sex addiction.

(Of course we're not exactly sure if Simone Warne was lying when she declared the same about her ex-husband, but neither blokes have had their addictions proven psychologically. Yet.)

The rise of the DINS

Experts reckon that if we don't make the effort to improve things between the sheets, we're in danger of becoming bona fide DINS: Double income, no sex couples.

"In this day of fatigued jugglers, dual-income and hard-working couples, stress is one of the biggest libido killers," warns sexologist Gabrielle Morrissey. "And the distress call for 'more sex, please' or 'more excitement and passion, please' can often be met with a sigh or a groan (and not the sexy kind, either)."

As the popular saying goes: abstinence makes a heart wander. Yet, rather than allowing mismatched libidos to push a partner to stray, it seems there's something that can be done to ease the situation.

Introducing Spicy Sex, which, says author Gabrielle Morrissey, is "moaning, panting, screamingly great" action in the bedroom. (Remember the last time you experienced that?)

But it doesn't have to be all leather chaps, whips and wax either. Gabrielle says that "simply trying one new thing can bring about a world of difference to your intimacy, and inject your libido with a higher energy."

Want more fuel to enhance your libido? How about purchasing a high-end luxury toy? After all, Parisian femme fatales are touting them as the new must-have accessory.

While the chic Passage du Desir (Route of Desire) store is selling out of the luxury toys at a rapid rate, we now have our very own Aussie-based luxury toy maker Black Label, which is getting local women's knickers in a tizzy.

After talking to a few girlfriends about their sex toys, label creator Bliss found she was amazed at how many people already had them.

"I move in reasonable social circles and every one of my friends has at least one toy in her drawer," she says. "And thinking that while most of them did the job, they all looked kind of tacky. So I decided to create a more luxury, up-market brand."

While one of the most popular toys in a mini-vibrator, Bliss acknowledges that toys might not be for everyone.

"I don't think sex toys have to be a vital part of a relationship," she muses. "Some people get along just fine without them, but they sure come in handy."